Today I feel like everyone hates me ...
It seems like everything that comes out of my mouth is meant to make somebody angry at me or make somebody hate me. I say things and I don't even know how they end up so badly in the ears of other people. When all I want to do is take part of a conversation and two minutes later I end up ostracized instead of part of that group of people I so want to be part of. No, I'm not a teenager; for why I consider this to be more than an age issue. I'm dealing here with people not only of my age but also people way older than me...and as if that wasn't enough, I'm actually making people I care for feel bad as well. I want to think it is because I'm probably not thinking about what I'd say before I say something but actually I think it's a different problem.
I haven't figured it out yet but yesterday for example, I even ended up fighting with y boyfriend. He is going through a really difficult moment in his life. Some sort of depression that I, myself, also suffered and luckily manage to overcome a few months ago. I feel bad.
I don't like myself being like this right now. I want to change things and for a moment they do but then, as soon as i forget to be cautious and i go back to being myself it happens again.
I have so many good things and people around me but somehow I happen to be one of those human beings who tend to focus on the bad things ....
These days I feel like my life is an overall distraction. I sometimes kind of lose faith on the things I know I can actually do. Other times even, lose hope for everything. Nevertheless I am not depressed but otherwise bored.
Bored of life being so fucking hard sometimes. Bored of watching people around me having it so much easier yet complaining about everything. Tired of watching people not being the best of themselves. Yes. I'm no one to tell people what they should or should not be but it feels like no one appreciates what they have and it feels fucking selfish of them to not realize that.
Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm growing mad at people and my body is somehow trying to send that message out to the world. "I hate you all" it says. My soul and good heart try to fight it but in the end they relinquishes out of tiredness. "There's no point; you're nothing but another human" It replies.
"Nothing but a human.."
I wish ..
Sometimes I wish I could change it ...
This inner frailness,
this weight on my shoulder this...
I don't know...
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