It's been a while...

Hi there,
whoever you are.
I was just going thorugh some of my old stuff and I found that I actually used to have a blog. What the heck. I don't even know how to start this. I guess I don't really care about who reads it. I guess I just decided to write because right now there are so many things in my mind and writing is one way of escaping your thoughts.
Life is very different now. I have two jobs that I really like working and that I'm comfortable with.
Im teaching English and although I've abandoned art for a while I'm happy about my work life. I have a few things related to art that are still half done but I'm gonna get back to them when I feel ready.
One thing that's been on my mind recently though is how sometimes human beings tend to forget the importance of timing in our lives. Especially for relationships.
I've been thinking about this guy that I stopped seeing about a month ago because of stupid reasons but basically he is the only thing I breathe, eat, and live out of right now. Exaggerating? Maybe yeah, but for now he is the only thing in my mind. Him and timing.
He was a dream from the very beginning. He was just the most charming person in the world at that time. He was all I needed that I didn't know I needed. I met him a few weeks after my ex boyfriend went back to his home country. It was the first time I had felt so genuinely loved by someone after my ex. I was stupid though, I kept thinking about things like "oh but he doesn't have this or that" or "yeah he is cute but he does too much of this and too less of this". This remind me of what my friend told me the other day. "This generation, we, have become so demanding of the people we date". I was thinking about this phrase for like three days in a row because I really thought there was something wrong about it. I knew that maybe I was being so demanding with this new guy not because I was demanding by nature but because of other reasons. So I kept thinking. Three days. Five days. A week and I finally came to the conclusion that maybe we are not really demanding but that we start dating too soon after a break up that we don't really take the time to fix ourselves and completely get over our past relationships. Maybe we are not taking time to really think about what we want in a partner and choose to date before we are ready to accept someone just the way they are. We refuse to accept the fact that the next person we date is not going to be perfect and that this time our hearts are not gonna be broken and we are not going to fail. We forget that loving is about risking and pending on a cliff while letting someone else hold the rope that sustains you. We forget that the best part of loving someone is risking it all and giving your heart without expecting anything in return. We forget to take time to remember all these things. We forget to think.
So this brings me back to what I was talking about above. I started seeing this guy having so much expectations and maybe sometimes even comparing him to my ex that I forgot to see what I really had in front of me. This really charming, kind hearted loving person that was offering me his heart and was willing to let me keep the rope that sustained him on that cliff. He was offering to love me. And I lost it.
I started having thoughts about my ex. I started thinking that I missed him probably because I didn't stop myself from doing that. An ex is an ex and you should try every way possible to just not talk to him anymore if you really want to get over him. But I didn't do that. I just didn't think that I could put him out of my life and keep going with it like I used to. I wanted to stay friends and this ruined the new relationship with this other guy. My thoughts about my ex became stronger and I just decided to break apart from this new guy. I completely shattered his heart. I can only imagine how difficult it might have been for him and the worse is for nothing. Because a month later I stopped seeing and talking to him I started missing all the things about us being together.
I feel like shit now. Because I really want to see him but I know he doesn't anymore. He is confused and a few things happened lately between us that might have left him even more confused. I told him I wouldn't text him so that he didn't feel pressured. But I'm dying to press those buttons just to ask him how he is doing. 'm dying to see him and tell him how much I'm wishing he could give me a chance to love him. I think I'm inlove and I just realized too late...
I guess I'm gonna keep this blog private.
I guess I'm just gonna go try to figure out what am I suppose to do next.
I guess I'll wait...

Frustration

How do you feel when somebody has just made your day in the most amazing way and then someone else appears and ruins it all?

I sometimes wonder how people can be so blinded. Some people just go in circles all the time and they don't effin realize it. The subdue to whatever feeling is overwhelming them in that moment and then when a new one (sometimes negative, sometimes good) appears they subdue to it as well. Why can't they just opt for what's better for them? Why can't they just opt for what could make them the happier? Why can't they decide to stay in the right emotional cycle which is also the decision with the most benefits? Why can't some people just realize that they are empowered to actually fight those bad cycles too in order to achieve a more productive, care-free and happier life?

I happen to have someone who seems not to be able to do this. This person just subdues and never fights negative feelings which in the end when they leave him, seem to make him feel regretful of the things he didn't do but also, sometimes, of the unnecessary stupid things he did. This person seems not to have the will power of deciding to fight negative feelings but why? I wish I knew.

I've tried to convince this person of taking advantage of the good cycles. When he is energetic and clear minded but instead, again, when he is in a good emotional cycle he decides to do only the things which seem the easiest and within his comfort zone. I've tried to convince this person that when one has the most energy and positivism, it is exactly then when we should focus on the things we didn't get done during our bad times and even dare to challenge ourselves to boost up our self esteem, therefore preventing bad cycles from happening to soon and unexpectedly.

But he just don't have the power to do that.

And it's so frustrating.

You know? When you try to help someone and that person doesn't want to be helped and prefers to stay in his/her comfort zone because they are afraid of changes? They wish they'll get better but they just wait for a miracle. Or even worse, they say they try but it doesn't seem to work?

I'd like to know, if someone out there reads this, if there is a way to make someone understand that they should live life at its most and take each and every opportunity to improve and achieve happiness.Thank you.

One of those days...when I'm angry at the world

Today I feel like everyone hates me ...
It seems like everything that comes out of my mouth is meant to make somebody angry at me or make somebody hate me. I say things and I don't even know how they end up so badly  in the ears of other people. When all I want to do is take part of a conversation and two minutes later I end up ostracized instead of part of that group of people I so want to be part of. No, I'm not a teenager; for why I consider this to be more than an age issue. I'm dealing here with people not only of my age but also people way older than me...and as if that wasn't enough, I'm actually making people I care for feel bad as well. I want to think it is because I'm probably not thinking about what I'd say before I say something but actually I think it's a different problem.
I haven't figured it out yet but yesterday for example, I even ended up fighting with y boyfriend. He is going through a really difficult moment in his life. Some sort of depression that I, myself, also suffered and luckily manage to overcome a few months ago. I feel bad.
I don't like myself being like this right now. I want to change things and for a moment they do but then, as soon as i forget to be cautious and i go back to being myself it happens again.
I have so many good things and people around me but somehow I happen to be one of those human beings who tend to focus on the bad things ....
These days I feel like my life is an overall distraction. I sometimes kind of lose faith on the things I know I can actually do. Other times even, lose hope for everything. Nevertheless I am not depressed but otherwise bored.
Bored of life being so fucking hard sometimes. Bored of watching people around me having it so much easier yet complaining about everything. Tired of watching people not being the best of themselves. Yes. I'm no one to tell people what they should or should not be but it feels like no one appreciates what they have and it feels fucking selfish of them to not realize that.
Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm growing mad at people and my body is somehow trying to send that message out to the world. "I hate you all" it says. My soul and good heart try to fight it but in the end they relinquishes out of tiredness. "There's no point; you're nothing but another human" It replies.
"Nothing but a human.."
I wish ..
Sometimes I wish I could change it ...
This inner frailness,
this weight on my shoulder this...
I don't know...

Oh well