Hi there,
whoever you are.
I was just going thorugh some of my old stuff and I found that I actually used to have a blog. What the heck. I don't even know how to start this. I guess I don't really care about who reads it. I guess I just decided to write because right now there are so many things in my mind and writing is one way of escaping your thoughts.
Life is very different now. I have two jobs that I really like working and that I'm comfortable with.
Im teaching English and although I've abandoned art for a while I'm happy about my work life. I have a few things related to art that are still half done but I'm gonna get back to them when I feel ready.
One thing that's been on my mind recently though is how sometimes human beings tend to forget the importance of timing in our lives. Especially for relationships.
I've been thinking about this guy that I stopped seeing about a month ago because of stupid reasons but basically he is the only thing I breathe, eat, and live out of right now. Exaggerating? Maybe yeah, but for now he is the only thing in my mind. Him and timing.
He was a dream from the very beginning. He was just the most charming person in the world at that time. He was all I needed that I didn't know I needed. I met him a few weeks after my ex boyfriend went back to his home country. It was the first time I had felt so genuinely loved by someone after my ex. I was stupid though, I kept thinking about things like "oh but he doesn't have this or that" or "yeah he is cute but he does too much of this and too less of this". This remind me of what my friend told me the other day. "This generation, we, have become so demanding of the people we date". I was thinking about this phrase for like three days in a row because I really thought there was something wrong about it. I knew that maybe I was being so demanding with this new guy not because I was demanding by nature but because of other reasons. So I kept thinking. Three days. Five days. A week and I finally came to the conclusion that maybe we are not really demanding but that we start dating too soon after a break up that we don't really take the time to fix ourselves and completely get over our past relationships. Maybe we are not taking time to really think about what we want in a partner and choose to date before we are ready to accept someone just the way they are. We refuse to accept the fact that the next person we date is not going to be perfect and that this time our hearts are not gonna be broken and we are not going to fail. We forget that loving is about risking and pending on a cliff while letting someone else hold the rope that sustains you. We forget that the best part of loving someone is risking it all and giving your heart without expecting anything in return. We forget to take time to remember all these things. We forget to think.
So this brings me back to what I was talking about above. I started seeing this guy having so much expectations and maybe sometimes even comparing him to my ex that I forgot to see what I really had in front of me. This really charming, kind hearted loving person that was offering me his heart and was willing to let me keep the rope that sustained him on that cliff. He was offering to love me. And I lost it.
I started having thoughts about my ex. I started thinking that I missed him probably because I didn't stop myself from doing that. An ex is an ex and you should try every way possible to just not talk to him anymore if you really want to get over him. But I didn't do that. I just didn't think that I could put him out of my life and keep going with it like I used to. I wanted to stay friends and this ruined the new relationship with this other guy. My thoughts about my ex became stronger and I just decided to break apart from this new guy. I completely shattered his heart. I can only imagine how difficult it might have been for him and the worse is for nothing. Because a month later I stopped seeing and talking to him I started missing all the things about us being together.
I feel like shit now. Because I really want to see him but I know he doesn't anymore. He is confused and a few things happened lately between us that might have left him even more confused. I told him I wouldn't text him so that he didn't feel pressured. But I'm dying to press those buttons just to ask him how he is doing. 'm dying to see him and tell him how much I'm wishing he could give me a chance to love him. I think I'm inlove and I just realized too late...
I guess I'm gonna keep this blog private.
I guess I'm just gonna go try to figure out what am I suppose to do next.
I guess I'll wait...
